Phew. So, just got an email from my `dbt mentor’ and ex-therapist that is having quite an effect on me. I had sent a couple of emails letting her know what I was up to (hoping to reinforce her? Impress her? I don’t know exactly what). Anyway, she knows I’m working on a dbt project and when we were in therapy together she had been very positive about it. I sent her an email this morning asking if we could meet/chat, and she responded with ‘I’m really, really busy…and will be for a few months’. OUUUCCHHH!!!!
I’m shaking, my face feels numb, and my eyes are stinging. I have the urge to go and crawl under the covers. I’m thinking things like, `I thought she really cared about me…but obviously not’. ‘I can’t do this without her’. ‘She doesn’t even like me and wants to blow me off’. ‘She has time for group, clients, all her projects…everything else in her life…and not 15 minutes for me?’. ‘I’m shit’. `She hates me’. `She and all her colleagues hate me’. `I’m such a fucking loser, I can’t believe I trusted someone again and they fucked me over. Everyone fucks me over in the end.’
I know they’re just thoughts. But all the physical sensations coupled with the thoughts make them really, really LOUD. They’re screaming at me, and for some reason my biggest response is feeling numb. Numb emotionally and physically. I feel like I’m just flinging my fingers around to hit these buttons. My limbs feel like they’ve lost their power. I’m just `droopy’. `Who gives a fuck about any of this? This stupid fucking blog? My stupid fucking life?’.
I’m not `going to’ any thoughts of suicide or self-harm, which I guess is progress. No. It is progress. But god damnit, when shit like this happens I feel like I’ve gone a year back in time.
Maybe the difference is that I know that my thoughts are extreme. I did `check the facts’, and while I’m still really afraid that all my thoughts are true – that she does dislike me, and all her colleagues do too – I don’t have proof of that. I don’t know it’s a fact. I feel like it’s a fact. Trust me; my body is reacting as if I just found out that `all of them’ hate me. In reality, I did try to contact them all a week ago just to get some feedback about this blog and haven’t heard from any of them. I want to look at that as `proof’ that they’re all avoiding me – that they even decided together to all avoid me. But I don’t know that’s true. So, shit. I’m just going to sit here with my shitty, sad feelings.
I did, btw, respond to her in a very short, polite email, using some GIVE skills (GIVE: (act) Gentle, Interested, Validate and..ummm…Encouraging? I’ll look it up. I used the GIVE-skills route because even though I do feel pissed off and abandoned, I don’t want to burn a bridge with her. Maybe there isn’t even a bridge there…but I’m just going to act as if there is until I get proof that there isn’t. I know she’s really busy. I just honestly did think I was special. Ha. Yes, I do feel like I’ve been kicked in the head.
Okay, well, my emotions are all over the place. I’m gonna dunk my head into some ice water and cry. Then I’ll look at the diary card to do something a little less self-indulgent. But right now, I’m just feeling really sorry for myself. And while part of me is thinking I’m overreacting, and this is just `proof’ that I’m `crazy’…I also wonder if I’m not feeling exactly how most humans would feel.
I don’t know. I’ve been told, and believed that I’m `too sensitive’ for so long that I don’t know what `normal’ is – or even if I’d want to be `it’.